Follower... An Apology For You

Hi friends, family, and followers!

I started 2020 with a month long vacation (enjoying an extended stay at a remote village in Costa Rica with a small community of some of the most graceful eco-lovers I’ve ever met), yet I’ve also been using the time to reset, restore, and recover, as it is time to address that my path the past couple years has been unsustainable. I did so partly through an online, guided 12-step program in which I worked on a couple addictive tendencies. If you are at all familiar with 12-step programs, you know they involve taking ownership of one’s mistakes and attempting apology at all those who you have wronged. This is the kind of work I did this month. This is your apology. :-)

“Dear You,

It seems I have some severe addictions that actually cause harm not just to myself, but to others following my journey, as you are. Specifically, I have developed an obsession for using all these fancy social media platforms to follow current events very closely, and to analyze and publicly criticize Big Tech, Big Health, congress, all media, blind voters, religions, spiritualities, GOD, and universe. In doing so, I was at times guilty of negative habits like impatience, intolerance, and self-righteousness. I’ve committed a number of wrongs, including:

·      Developed an emotional dependence on tech, instead of restricting my access and focusing on maintaining a thriving non-digital sense of self.

·      Delayed or avoided wellness care due to resentment of healthcare processes and costs instead of enrolling in insurance and taking proper care of myself.

·      Published controversial posts and books without pausing to use strategies to ensure content would be less harmful and better accepted, like employing test audiences to brainstorm potential pitfalls and better approaches.

·      Allowed my peace to be disturbed by the uninformed or indifferent aspects of others, by internalizing instead of recognizing my ridiculous impatience at expecting others to learn on my timeline.

·      Was at times arrogant and harsh to those with outdated or uninformed spiritual beliefs and policy notions, instead of being gentle, leading with love, allaying their fears, upholding their worth, and otherwise looking to heal.

·      Held low esteem of myself for rejecting mainstream worldviews, instead of standing proudly in my truth.

In addition to the above mistakes, I have also clung to several fears that did not serve me:

·      Fear of violating the Hatch Act and losing my career that made me reluctant to fulfill my civic duty to help prevent the outcome of the 2016 election.

·      Fear that I worked, played, and partied hard when I should have been studying religion, growing spirituality, and being civic minded enough to better hold officials accountable.

·      Fear that speaking out was making me irreparably depressed, angry, and anxious, and also damaging important relationships with emotional support systems and potential career associations.

·      Fear that I have been a victim of dark work meant to disrupt my sense of reality, my credibility, and my trust in others.

·      Fear that my health had and would continue to suffer without being able to afford care.

·      Fear that the corruption of our gov’t and the media is so bad that the damage to the USA and the globe is beyond repair.

·      Fear that our division is so great we are failing to unite against corrupt government and are on a path to WW3.

·      Fear that my anti-religious views are interpreted as unpatriotic or dishonor to our ancestors and to the many people who still hold those views.

·      Fear that our collective conscious will overcommit to false belief systems that either encourage war or expose us to harm.

·      Fear that humanity is being tested by GOD and universe, and proving us to be unworthy of life and suitable for extermination or further oppression in the form congruent with how we treat others life on the planet.

In addition to fears and other personal defects related to impatience, intolerance, self-righteousness, and self-sacrifice, I also recognize that I have come to suffer from self-pity, which I believe started after my panic attack on the day of my first book launch, and worsened when I got a death threat the day I released my first book. I realize I self-pity when I want to a) better change hearts and minds in bigoted circles, b) be better received in social justice circles, and c) be better understood and less lonesome. I now also realize that if I don’t learn better methods for achieving acceptance and love (hint: it comes from self), I will continue to turn people away from my message and risk not fulfilling my life’s purpose and my duty. Therefore, I am committed to release resentments, let go of the old habits that don’t serve me, narrow my focus to what I can influence, and in the future be more intentional toward happiness and healthiness again, for your wellness as much as for my own.”

What do you think about all this? Does any of it ring true to you? I do hope with this letter to you, that my words at least partially amend my past wrongs for you.

Peace, love, and light!

Mark